On Feeling Stuck...

I just had a conversation with a friend, every time I say goodbye my heart aches. Each time I say hello my eyes sting. What is it about life that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time? What is it about time that makes you feel so small? So insignificant?

I look up and all I see is a void, a deep dark void that my eyes or my mind's eye can not escape?

If I was feeling rather morbid last week, today I am suicidal, only I do not have the courage to push all my karmic debts to the next life... so I will sit it out and wait, wait on life to bring me the lessons, wait for my soul to teach me how to handle my lessons, forgiveness, expectations, letting go and sorrow.

I feel stuck, I am weepy, I feel useless and hopeless... I don't know where to begin to fix my life. Although I had hoped to change things by now, I have failed dismally. Each time I rest my head on my pillow to sleep, the tears from my dreams awaken me and I get up with the haunted feeling of darkness, what am I to do?

The feelings that haunt me include the question of existence, questions of love, mistakes, choices, joy and sorrow... What is my life worth? What accomplishments have I made? I have a blind spot so huge that it blocks any light that is headed my way.

I am stuck in this moment, stuck on nothingness, stuck on goodbye, stuck on hello. I am immobilised by that surreal and nonexistent emotion - fear.

Today, my day sucks, nothing is able to cheer me up and it seems like I am slowly fading into a deep dark depression that threatens my entire existence. What is life worth? How do I get unstuck?

I am tormented by dreams, by angels who laugh in my face. I have idolised humanity and it feels like I am now learning a lesson on just how human I am. Mortality, how awesome your face.

If I were to live again, my choices would be no different, I guess I'd walk the same path albeit more carefully...

On Goodbye...

I am saying goodbye to life as I knew it, goodbye to a memory. Its been a long and winding road and finally, I branch off onto a side road.

A road without a named destination, a road with infinite possibilities... a couple of days ago, I would have termed my transition as a leap of faith but alas! Faith, your face has blurred in my confusion and I ask, what is the meaning of faithfulness? I now wrestle with the question of faith.

Just what does it mean to be content with what we have? To finally say, I have arrived. Is this state ever possible, can a human being ever attain that state? Well, that state seems to have eluded me to this point.I have been looking for love and fulfilment in the right and wrong places and I guess, its time to move on...

I am not alright, I'd lie if I said so, my heart weeps for me and my tears cleanse my soul, life as I knew it fades like ice cream on a hot pan taking on a different form, liquid that could fit into any container. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish I could mould this nothingness into something...

Someone once said to me that the world is constantly changing and life is dynamic, people in your life should be split into two portions, those who care about you and those who just don't give a fuck. We spend our lives chasing the people who don't really care about us and in the evenings of our lives, we realise that they really weren't worth it... why do we spend major time on minor people? I guess sometimes you can not help but hope.

I am done wrestling the past and the possibility of what if?

What if I am wrong? What if this person changes? What if they really love me, really care?
Well, this time I have decided not to stick around long enough to prove otherwise. I guess if you give something your best shot, its alright to let go, its OK to hang up your gloves, you tried.

Indeed, its goodbye to an impossible dream.

I guess I don't need someone to come knocking on my door and tell me what I already know, that only you can love you. Only you can take care of you. And its about time I did that, I am flailing but am getting there, step by step...

I have said goodbye with tears in my soul and unlike Brandy, I am not stepping out into a finally or a wow, like Juliet, I will just stick it out and wait. Wait and see how this scene plays out, wait and see how my heart heals. Wait on my soul. After all, how little we humans know... how futile our plans... how small our dreams...

I feel dark and morbid, and right now there's not much love in my being, there's not much hope in my heart and the faith in my step fails me... But if tomorrow comes, I have a chance at this. A chance at hope, a chance at faith, a chance at love, a chance at life.

Goodbye yesterday, goodbye fear, goodbye memories...