I am lying down in a hotel room and missing home like crazy... home... that word makes me want to cry. Today, has been difficult for me, the realisation that I cannot pick up the phone and call the people who are closest to me almost renders me powerless.
As I allow myself to wallow in self pity, I think of all the millions of people who would do anything to trade places with me. To be in such a fantastic place and to learn as much as I have over the past few weeks and to meet all the fabulous people that I have met. But today, I am not those people, I dont want to be those people, today, I am just me... tired, grouchy and ungrateful. Sick and homesick.
I keep going through my head trying to retrace the steps that I have taken that have led me to here, to now... What is my purpose? My calling? Am I living that life? Am I your definition of a true activist? I am I willing to give it all up for the cause? What is that cause? Do I even fully understand what it is?
Earlier, over lunch a friend of mine pointed out just how judgemental we can all be at times and I found myself in the box that I try so hard not be in... I strive everyday to judge less and love more but the path to ones own enlightenment is so hard... I am tired of trying to be me, I just wanna be me, Independent of others perceptions and the worst part is that the world is a very hard place to live.
I like Sweden but I love home and I guess after all is said and done, I am a child of the earth and to my Africa I must return. I have made mistakes and judged others harshly, I have been self critical and have known the sin of self righteousness. My conclusion remains, I am not right, you are not wrong, its all about perception.
I have made a decision to enjoy the rest of my days in this cold beautiful place where I have met people with some of the most biggest hearts, hearts that can warm up a house on the coldest of days... I guess its no wonder am home sick.
I promise to enjoy every moment here and whenever I feel down, I only have to bask in the awesome hearts of every person that surrounded me here, appreciating them for their unique differences and loving them nontheless... the obvious mistakes I have made, I leave in the past.
I have had the privilidge to meet the wonderful staff at RFSL, the amazing activists from all around the African continent, incredible Zama from South Africa, Jay whose bright smile lights up my mornings... the open hearted Christians from Diakonia Zambia and Uganda... Thomas... from Amnesty, Audrey from Kenya who has challenged my concept of love...
My hosts in their myriad of personalities, incredible Maria, Steady Jonas, happy Karin and the ever organised and wonderful Anna... I will carry you with me.
And then theres my friend Shanshi the transblack... the Zambian crew in the form of one Eddie, Dorcas and Hope and my friend and travel companion Longa. I am grateful.
I have had the privilege to meet with giants in the movement, the celebrated Victor Mukasa who defied all odds, who stood up against the tides and gave hope to so many... and I question my place here, I doubt myself and my voice...
To all my friends on this journey, synchronicity allowed us all to meet in this place at this time, let us all rise with one voice and be the love and change that we want to see.
Theres power in unity and we are all united against different injustices that occur in our lives, let our voices be heard, let us not be silenced, we may falter and stumble but our goal and hearts should be fixeted on the prize... freedom and rights for all.
I read something somewhere that said, lets separate the church from hate because they are not the same thing. People want to put us in boxes and also want to retain the right to label them, well, theres nothing we can do about those boxes but theres a lot that we can do in our hearts. We can be the bigger people and love them. Theres no them and us here, theres just us, humanity complete in our collective consciousness.
I am still homesick but this here, this minute, feels like home. Indeed I can safely say, I have walked with giants
Friday, October 29, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me
I wake up to the same wind that blows every other day and it caresses my face this morning. I wake up to the same sounds of the universe celebrating her aliveness, the birds still chirp at the same pitch and the same intensity, the trees still in their knowing and understanding of nature as the leaves twitch with the wind feeling alone, separate and able to make it on their own. Nothing has changed this morning but it’s my ear that has changed.
I guess there’s so much more that I can learn from trees, a tree, it is so patient, so still… No matter what you do or say or try, the tree remains firmly rooted to the ground, to the earth that continues to nourish it and it nourishes back.
Its branches, taking life from it and imagining themselves independent of the trunk and then you have the twigs and the leaves that swing with the wind, the leaves that bend with each little flutter.
How significant to humanity the tree is, to me, the tree trunk in this regard symbolises my soul (my somatic self), firm steadfast, tuned into the creator, the branches symbolise my body that imagines its self separate from my soul and the leaves are my emotions, the leaves that flutter with the tiniest change.
The leaves that fall off at season’s end and can be as fleeting as they come, the all self important leaves that die just as quickly as they sprouted and before season end die and allow the branches to give birth to new ones.
How many times have I felt like the new born leaf that my emotions or idea will last forever, how many time have I hurt like a drying leaf as the life is slowly sapped out of me by whatever emotional undertaking I have taken? A million times and yet my soul looks on, my body holds on and the leaves go and come with the seasons.
Sometimes, I have had my branches pruned or bruised, I have had my branches cut off and the hurt has gone beyond the falling of the leaves and I have felt my soul scar! I have had to sometimes cut off or shed my own branches so other types of leaves can begin to grow with the seasons.
My scars from the branch cutting go beyond what the next season can fix, sometimes it takes a lifetime in the tree’s life but I carry those scars with a failing faith and hope.
I have come a long way over the past couple of months, undergone many phoenix processes and still going through some and this morning dawns bright and clear, my birthday, a special day for me albeit an ordinary day for many.
So much has happened, much has changed, I have been loved, I have been put down, I have been betrayed, I have been exalted but I guess all these and more are what life is about whets important is am still here, a bit faithless but here nonetheless.
Sat up yesterday to imagine the day I will leave this world and I realised that its going to be an ordinary day, just like this one, the birds will sing, seeds will germinate and life as we all know it will go on and I question the fate of my existence.
Its been months of my going through so many mini deaths and as I die and live a little, the world goes on, it does not grind to a halt for me, sit by my bedside and say, ‘we shall wait’ and my usefulness or lack of seems insignificant.
High lights of my past year, I have loved, and been loved back, I have felt pain and caused others pain too, I have laughed and cried and made others laugh and cry, all in all an ordinary existence. Have I touched someone’s life? Have I made a difference in someone’s life? I clearly don’t have the answers for that, all I know is that I am still here and the universe rotates as if none of it matters.
I had so many milestones that I set out to achieve at the beginning of the year and am thinking now, they were just that; words that never really materialised into anything more.
I am still flawed, still hurting, still growing but I guess my gratitude is that am still here? Is this it? Must I be grateful that am still here?? What does my being here have to do with anything?
Seeing as the world doesn’t need or require my help. Guess if this day were my last, my gratitude would be for those people who have touched and shared my life, those who at one point genuinely cared for me and learned something from me.
Today, am stepping into faith and learning the hard and easy lessons that are life, I am not significant. I am not special. I am here; to live breathe and laugh until the time comes for Mother Nature to say, step off. It’s time…
Today I choose these lessons from the tree:-
1. That the tree trunk my soul is steadfast and is infinitely connected to the creator
2. That like the branches my body is infinitely connected to the soul
3. That like the leaves my feelings and emotions are as fleeting as the seasons
I guess there’s so much more that I can learn from trees, a tree, it is so patient, so still… No matter what you do or say or try, the tree remains firmly rooted to the ground, to the earth that continues to nourish it and it nourishes back.
Its branches, taking life from it and imagining themselves independent of the trunk and then you have the twigs and the leaves that swing with the wind, the leaves that bend with each little flutter.
How significant to humanity the tree is, to me, the tree trunk in this regard symbolises my soul (my somatic self), firm steadfast, tuned into the creator, the branches symbolise my body that imagines its self separate from my soul and the leaves are my emotions, the leaves that flutter with the tiniest change.
The leaves that fall off at season’s end and can be as fleeting as they come, the all self important leaves that die just as quickly as they sprouted and before season end die and allow the branches to give birth to new ones.
How many times have I felt like the new born leaf that my emotions or idea will last forever, how many time have I hurt like a drying leaf as the life is slowly sapped out of me by whatever emotional undertaking I have taken? A million times and yet my soul looks on, my body holds on and the leaves go and come with the seasons.
Sometimes, I have had my branches pruned or bruised, I have had my branches cut off and the hurt has gone beyond the falling of the leaves and I have felt my soul scar! I have had to sometimes cut off or shed my own branches so other types of leaves can begin to grow with the seasons.
My scars from the branch cutting go beyond what the next season can fix, sometimes it takes a lifetime in the tree’s life but I carry those scars with a failing faith and hope.
I have come a long way over the past couple of months, undergone many phoenix processes and still going through some and this morning dawns bright and clear, my birthday, a special day for me albeit an ordinary day for many.
So much has happened, much has changed, I have been loved, I have been put down, I have been betrayed, I have been exalted but I guess all these and more are what life is about whets important is am still here, a bit faithless but here nonetheless.
Sat up yesterday to imagine the day I will leave this world and I realised that its going to be an ordinary day, just like this one, the birds will sing, seeds will germinate and life as we all know it will go on and I question the fate of my existence.
Its been months of my going through so many mini deaths and as I die and live a little, the world goes on, it does not grind to a halt for me, sit by my bedside and say, ‘we shall wait’ and my usefulness or lack of seems insignificant.
High lights of my past year, I have loved, and been loved back, I have felt pain and caused others pain too, I have laughed and cried and made others laugh and cry, all in all an ordinary existence. Have I touched someone’s life? Have I made a difference in someone’s life? I clearly don’t have the answers for that, all I know is that I am still here and the universe rotates as if none of it matters.
I had so many milestones that I set out to achieve at the beginning of the year and am thinking now, they were just that; words that never really materialised into anything more.
I am still flawed, still hurting, still growing but I guess my gratitude is that am still here? Is this it? Must I be grateful that am still here?? What does my being here have to do with anything?
Seeing as the world doesn’t need or require my help. Guess if this day were my last, my gratitude would be for those people who have touched and shared my life, those who at one point genuinely cared for me and learned something from me.
Today, am stepping into faith and learning the hard and easy lessons that are life, I am not significant. I am not special. I am here; to live breathe and laugh until the time comes for Mother Nature to say, step off. It’s time…
Today I choose these lessons from the tree:-
1. That the tree trunk my soul is steadfast and is infinitely connected to the creator
2. That like the branches my body is infinitely connected to the soul
3. That like the leaves my feelings and emotions are as fleeting as the seasons
Monday, April 26, 2010
On Africa
I have always taken great pride in my heritage, taken delight in the coarseness of my hair, the shape of my body, the colour of my eyes and what I have always imagined to be my rich African tradition summarised as, remarkably African.
I am classified by the world as a Zambian national but I am a child of the spirit and my soul identifies and is uniquely tied to this awesome continent that has been, and remains my home. Africa.
A continent blessed with riches untold… the universe has been kind. Take Zambia for example, a country endowed with riches untold, waterfalls! Fresh Water Rivers and masses of mineral deposits! Was the lord not kind? We are blessed with such excesses but greed and selfishness continue to get the better of us that we don’t know when to say no!
I am a part of the African spirit, at our core, we are a people so generous that we give everyone a chance, foreigners, aliens, those different from us in appearance and those that have different religious creeds – we give, all of them, a chance this, because of our inherent humanness. We welcome them all, we feed them, we clothe them, and we give them a voice, a home and yet…
I can not even begin to imagine how bewildered my great grand mother had been when she first saw the white man in her back yard; she must have been frightened out of her wits! But of course, because we are a continent that expects miracles, we looked to anything that we don’t understand and termed it a gift from the gods. I imagine this white man would have asked for water and she, obligingly would have rushed into the house to fetch her husband who too would have been helpless before this pale creature with opaque eyes. An alien, they would have assumed, a god – maybe?
They would have taken in this stranger, my grandparents and their people – fed him, clothed him and given him a place to lie down. And as per African tradition, this stranger would have been given a place of honour at the fireside and he with his interpreter would have told a fine story about that place yonder where he came from, where queens and kings dined on crystal and fine China, where men and women danced to the waltz, that unimaginable place that they too could live and reach.
I imagine, how there eyes would have widened in awe as this stranger spoke of things beyond their imagination… Little would have been said about the poverty and squalor. The rats. The disease, the Black Death.
I imagine my grandmother’s eyes popping out as he told his exaggerated tale of a life beyond the mountains, a life that no African could fathom. He would have showed her a mirror, this fascinating device that spoke right back to her and she, enthralled would have dedicated her life to this god creature, which could show her the future. His compass would have been another tool that he could have used to tell north from south but to my grandmother, it was this god that could do all this and more…
Slowly, he would have started to take centre stage as the entire village begun to gravitate towards him, his advice to the court – the chief and his indunas indispensible. He showed them how to hunt Impala quicker with this arm that spat fire, fire from the gods they mused. He promised that they too could have that skill if only his friends came.
The majority of the villagers marvelled at that ever so wonderful possibility but alas! Some sceptics, the villager seer, the rainmakers – the warned of a terrible time, fury from the gods if these strangers were allowed to live among them, they foretold a terrible period of anguish and blood shed but they were pushed aside, scathed, scorned and imprisoned. The will of the people prevailed. Allow the white gods into our territory. They were excited at the future
I can imagine the shock on the villagers’ faces more so my grandmother when they were awakened by strange noises, whinnying from these creatures that the go heads rode. These creatures were like nothing they had ever seen before. They had long legs and teeth the size of a crocodiles… They kicked at the wind and they seemed angry. They appeared as angry and stern as the creatures that rode them.
She searched for the face of her benevolent Muzungu for reassurance but he had changed. His once smiling opaque eyes now had a far fetched look; they scanned past her and showed neither emotion nor recognition.
In panic, she searched the crowd for her stout husband and was disturbed when she caught his eye, to find that he had tears in his eyes. She quickly stumbled to where he stood and asked him what had happened, with a wan smile he told her that they had been ordered to leave their fertile lands by the pale strangers and that the chief had been taken captive.
Leave their lands and go where? She asked in shock. Yes, he said, leave everything they owned and move to the valley. What about our temple? Our Mulungu? On that, he said dejectedly, that has been burned….
No! She wailed. No…
Fifty years later, my great grand mother, old and frail with a faded look in her eye tells this story to my mother, the story from the time before the white man, the story from when they used to worship seasonal gods, the story of how it used to be, the story before the famines, the story before the back breaking taxation, the story from when the gods walked Africa and her children ran wild and free. My story.
Today, Africa stands on record as the continent with the world’s least developed nations, a continent known for its violence as much as disease and poverty. A continent known for its current nauseating levels of corruption and greed, a continent that Marcus Garvey, Kwame Nkrumah; Julius Nyerere would be ashamed of.
An unfortunate time in history that Nelson Mandela and Kenneth Kaunda have had the misfortune to witness, a continent that Nobel Laureate Desmond Tutu still refers to, as my Africa. A continent with some of the world’s largest mineral deposits that hardly benefit its masses, a continent portrayed as hell on earth. But there’s still that other side of Africa that the media and the west have failed to portray, a place where kindness, love and purity still abide.
My grand mother, like her mother before her refused to convert to Christianity, for a long time! And when she finally did, she chose CMML, a more ethnic wing of Christianity and refused to adopt the catholic doctrine that was predominant in her time. She refused to worship with the White Fathers who had built a church h a few metres from her home but would trek for hours on end to get to the CMML congregation.
My mother on the other hand, a much more modern version and a product of the catholic education system, chose to worship with them instead and my grandmother respected her choices. I have a vivid memory going back to as far as three when we went to my grand mother’s church, they was singing and dancing and for a three year old, I think I had a great time there than at my usual church were they (respectfully) asked me to kneel a 100 times! Power and control issues I imagine.
This experience made such a great impression on me and to date I still carry in my heart the one Swahili song that my siblings and I kept singing over and over afterwards. Little did I know then, how this incident would affect my faith decisions in future…
I am classified by the world as a Zambian national but I am a child of the spirit and my soul identifies and is uniquely tied to this awesome continent that has been, and remains my home. Africa.
A continent blessed with riches untold… the universe has been kind. Take Zambia for example, a country endowed with riches untold, waterfalls! Fresh Water Rivers and masses of mineral deposits! Was the lord not kind? We are blessed with such excesses but greed and selfishness continue to get the better of us that we don’t know when to say no!
I am a part of the African spirit, at our core, we are a people so generous that we give everyone a chance, foreigners, aliens, those different from us in appearance and those that have different religious creeds – we give, all of them, a chance this, because of our inherent humanness. We welcome them all, we feed them, we clothe them, and we give them a voice, a home and yet…
I can not even begin to imagine how bewildered my great grand mother had been when she first saw the white man in her back yard; she must have been frightened out of her wits! But of course, because we are a continent that expects miracles, we looked to anything that we don’t understand and termed it a gift from the gods. I imagine this white man would have asked for water and she, obligingly would have rushed into the house to fetch her husband who too would have been helpless before this pale creature with opaque eyes. An alien, they would have assumed, a god – maybe?
They would have taken in this stranger, my grandparents and their people – fed him, clothed him and given him a place to lie down. And as per African tradition, this stranger would have been given a place of honour at the fireside and he with his interpreter would have told a fine story about that place yonder where he came from, where queens and kings dined on crystal and fine China, where men and women danced to the waltz, that unimaginable place that they too could live and reach.
I imagine, how there eyes would have widened in awe as this stranger spoke of things beyond their imagination… Little would have been said about the poverty and squalor. The rats. The disease, the Black Death.
I imagine my grandmother’s eyes popping out as he told his exaggerated tale of a life beyond the mountains, a life that no African could fathom. He would have showed her a mirror, this fascinating device that spoke right back to her and she, enthralled would have dedicated her life to this god creature, which could show her the future. His compass would have been another tool that he could have used to tell north from south but to my grandmother, it was this god that could do all this and more…
Slowly, he would have started to take centre stage as the entire village begun to gravitate towards him, his advice to the court – the chief and his indunas indispensible. He showed them how to hunt Impala quicker with this arm that spat fire, fire from the gods they mused. He promised that they too could have that skill if only his friends came.
The majority of the villagers marvelled at that ever so wonderful possibility but alas! Some sceptics, the villager seer, the rainmakers – the warned of a terrible time, fury from the gods if these strangers were allowed to live among them, they foretold a terrible period of anguish and blood shed but they were pushed aside, scathed, scorned and imprisoned. The will of the people prevailed. Allow the white gods into our territory. They were excited at the future
I can imagine the shock on the villagers’ faces more so my grandmother when they were awakened by strange noises, whinnying from these creatures that the go heads rode. These creatures were like nothing they had ever seen before. They had long legs and teeth the size of a crocodiles… They kicked at the wind and they seemed angry. They appeared as angry and stern as the creatures that rode them.
She searched for the face of her benevolent Muzungu for reassurance but he had changed. His once smiling opaque eyes now had a far fetched look; they scanned past her and showed neither emotion nor recognition.
In panic, she searched the crowd for her stout husband and was disturbed when she caught his eye, to find that he had tears in his eyes. She quickly stumbled to where he stood and asked him what had happened, with a wan smile he told her that they had been ordered to leave their fertile lands by the pale strangers and that the chief had been taken captive.
Leave their lands and go where? She asked in shock. Yes, he said, leave everything they owned and move to the valley. What about our temple? Our Mulungu? On that, he said dejectedly, that has been burned….
No! She wailed. No…
Fifty years later, my great grand mother, old and frail with a faded look in her eye tells this story to my mother, the story from the time before the white man, the story from when they used to worship seasonal gods, the story of how it used to be, the story before the famines, the story before the back breaking taxation, the story from when the gods walked Africa and her children ran wild and free. My story.
Today, Africa stands on record as the continent with the world’s least developed nations, a continent known for its violence as much as disease and poverty. A continent known for its current nauseating levels of corruption and greed, a continent that Marcus Garvey, Kwame Nkrumah; Julius Nyerere would be ashamed of.
An unfortunate time in history that Nelson Mandela and Kenneth Kaunda have had the misfortune to witness, a continent that Nobel Laureate Desmond Tutu still refers to, as my Africa. A continent with some of the world’s largest mineral deposits that hardly benefit its masses, a continent portrayed as hell on earth. But there’s still that other side of Africa that the media and the west have failed to portray, a place where kindness, love and purity still abide.
My grand mother, like her mother before her refused to convert to Christianity, for a long time! And when she finally did, she chose CMML, a more ethnic wing of Christianity and refused to adopt the catholic doctrine that was predominant in her time. She refused to worship with the White Fathers who had built a church h a few metres from her home but would trek for hours on end to get to the CMML congregation.
My mother on the other hand, a much more modern version and a product of the catholic education system, chose to worship with them instead and my grandmother respected her choices. I have a vivid memory going back to as far as three when we went to my grand mother’s church, they was singing and dancing and for a three year old, I think I had a great time there than at my usual church were they (respectfully) asked me to kneel a 100 times! Power and control issues I imagine.
This experience made such a great impression on me and to date I still carry in my heart the one Swahili song that my siblings and I kept singing over and over afterwards. Little did I know then, how this incident would affect my faith decisions in future…
Thursday, March 18, 2010
On Feeling Stuck...
I just had a conversation with a friend, every time I say goodbye my heart aches. Each time I say hello my eyes sting. What is it about life that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time? What is it about time that makes you feel so small? So insignificant?
I look up and all I see is a void, a deep dark void that my eyes or my mind's eye can not escape?
If I was feeling rather morbid last week, today I am suicidal, only I do not have the courage to push all my karmic debts to the next life... so I will sit it out and wait, wait on life to bring me the lessons, wait for my soul to teach me how to handle my lessons, forgiveness, expectations, letting go and sorrow.
I feel stuck, I am weepy, I feel useless and hopeless... I don't know where to begin to fix my life. Although I had hoped to change things by now, I have failed dismally. Each time I rest my head on my pillow to sleep, the tears from my dreams awaken me and I get up with the haunted feeling of darkness, what am I to do?
The feelings that haunt me include the question of existence, questions of love, mistakes, choices, joy and sorrow... What is my life worth? What accomplishments have I made? I have a blind spot so huge that it blocks any light that is headed my way.
I am stuck in this moment, stuck on nothingness, stuck on goodbye, stuck on hello. I am immobilised by that surreal and nonexistent emotion - fear.
Today, my day sucks, nothing is able to cheer me up and it seems like I am slowly fading into a deep dark depression that threatens my entire existence. What is life worth? How do I get unstuck?
I am tormented by dreams, by angels who laugh in my face. I have idolised humanity and it feels like I am now learning a lesson on just how human I am. Mortality, how awesome your face.
If I were to live again, my choices would be no different, I guess I'd walk the same path albeit more carefully...
I look up and all I see is a void, a deep dark void that my eyes or my mind's eye can not escape?
If I was feeling rather morbid last week, today I am suicidal, only I do not have the courage to push all my karmic debts to the next life... so I will sit it out and wait, wait on life to bring me the lessons, wait for my soul to teach me how to handle my lessons, forgiveness, expectations, letting go and sorrow.
I feel stuck, I am weepy, I feel useless and hopeless... I don't know where to begin to fix my life. Although I had hoped to change things by now, I have failed dismally. Each time I rest my head on my pillow to sleep, the tears from my dreams awaken me and I get up with the haunted feeling of darkness, what am I to do?
The feelings that haunt me include the question of existence, questions of love, mistakes, choices, joy and sorrow... What is my life worth? What accomplishments have I made? I have a blind spot so huge that it blocks any light that is headed my way.
I am stuck in this moment, stuck on nothingness, stuck on goodbye, stuck on hello. I am immobilised by that surreal and nonexistent emotion - fear.
Today, my day sucks, nothing is able to cheer me up and it seems like I am slowly fading into a deep dark depression that threatens my entire existence. What is life worth? How do I get unstuck?
I am tormented by dreams, by angels who laugh in my face. I have idolised humanity and it feels like I am now learning a lesson on just how human I am. Mortality, how awesome your face.
If I were to live again, my choices would be no different, I guess I'd walk the same path albeit more carefully...
Sunday, March 14, 2010
On Goodbye...
I am saying goodbye to life as I knew it, goodbye to a memory. Its been a long and winding road and finally, I branch off onto a side road.
A road without a named destination, a road with infinite possibilities... a couple of days ago, I would have termed my transition as a leap of faith but alas! Faith, your face has blurred in my confusion and I ask, what is the meaning of faithfulness? I now wrestle with the question of faith.
Just what does it mean to be content with what we have? To finally say, I have arrived. Is this state ever possible, can a human being ever attain that state? Well, that state seems to have eluded me to this point.I have been looking for love and fulfilment in the right and wrong places and I guess, its time to move on...
I am not alright, I'd lie if I said so, my heart weeps for me and my tears cleanse my soul, life as I knew it fades like ice cream on a hot pan taking on a different form, liquid that could fit into any container. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish I could mould this nothingness into something...
Someone once said to me that the world is constantly changing and life is dynamic, people in your life should be split into two portions, those who care about you and those who just don't give a fuck. We spend our lives chasing the people who don't really care about us and in the evenings of our lives, we realise that they really weren't worth it... why do we spend major time on minor people? I guess sometimes you can not help but hope.
I am done wrestling the past and the possibility of what if?
What if I am wrong? What if this person changes? What if they really love me, really care?
Well, this time I have decided not to stick around long enough to prove otherwise. I guess if you give something your best shot, its alright to let go, its OK to hang up your gloves, you tried.
Indeed, its goodbye to an impossible dream.
I guess I don't need someone to come knocking on my door and tell me what I already know, that only you can love you. Only you can take care of you. And its about time I did that, I am flailing but am getting there, step by step...
I have said goodbye with tears in my soul and unlike Brandy, I am not stepping out into a finally or a wow, like Juliet, I will just stick it out and wait. Wait and see how this scene plays out, wait and see how my heart heals. Wait on my soul. After all, how little we humans know... how futile our plans... how small our dreams...
I feel dark and morbid, and right now there's not much love in my being, there's not much hope in my heart and the faith in my step fails me... But if tomorrow comes, I have a chance at this. A chance at hope, a chance at faith, a chance at love, a chance at life.
Goodbye yesterday, goodbye fear, goodbye memories...
A road without a named destination, a road with infinite possibilities... a couple of days ago, I would have termed my transition as a leap of faith but alas! Faith, your face has blurred in my confusion and I ask, what is the meaning of faithfulness? I now wrestle with the question of faith.
Just what does it mean to be content with what we have? To finally say, I have arrived. Is this state ever possible, can a human being ever attain that state? Well, that state seems to have eluded me to this point.I have been looking for love and fulfilment in the right and wrong places and I guess, its time to move on...
I am not alright, I'd lie if I said so, my heart weeps for me and my tears cleanse my soul, life as I knew it fades like ice cream on a hot pan taking on a different form, liquid that could fit into any container. I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish I could mould this nothingness into something...
Someone once said to me that the world is constantly changing and life is dynamic, people in your life should be split into two portions, those who care about you and those who just don't give a fuck. We spend our lives chasing the people who don't really care about us and in the evenings of our lives, we realise that they really weren't worth it... why do we spend major time on minor people? I guess sometimes you can not help but hope.
I am done wrestling the past and the possibility of what if?
What if I am wrong? What if this person changes? What if they really love me, really care?
Well, this time I have decided not to stick around long enough to prove otherwise. I guess if you give something your best shot, its alright to let go, its OK to hang up your gloves, you tried.
Indeed, its goodbye to an impossible dream.
I guess I don't need someone to come knocking on my door and tell me what I already know, that only you can love you. Only you can take care of you. And its about time I did that, I am flailing but am getting there, step by step...
I have said goodbye with tears in my soul and unlike Brandy, I am not stepping out into a finally or a wow, like Juliet, I will just stick it out and wait. Wait and see how this scene plays out, wait and see how my heart heals. Wait on my soul. After all, how little we humans know... how futile our plans... how small our dreams...
I feel dark and morbid, and right now there's not much love in my being, there's not much hope in my heart and the faith in my step fails me... But if tomorrow comes, I have a chance at this. A chance at hope, a chance at faith, a chance at love, a chance at life.
Goodbye yesterday, goodbye fear, goodbye memories...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
On Love...
The past couple of days have been a series of adventures and I can safely say that I have lived… I have after a really long time attempted the craziest feats that only dare devils and the terminally ill are privileged to do. I guess, to live life, you must face your own mortality… from jet sailing, water skiing to archery, whoa! What an adventure!
I have also realised (as if!) that swimming is a required survival skill after the panic that I felt yesterday when I was immersed in water, life Jacket and all! How hilarious! I have a fear of drowning; maybe I might have died at sea in one of my previous lives. I have now added swimming lessons to my 2010 resolutions; it’s not even an option.
Today, my body hurts, feels like I have been run over by a truck and I still say, it was worth it! Next week am doing the Gorge slide or Bunji jump! Need I say more?? I have faced mortality and realise now, more than ever that, when I get the choice to sit it out or dance. I will dance.
Yesterday, I was watching a film whose title I can’t remember because I caught it off chance and it had already run half way, anyway, it’s a story about young love and a father who believes in the concept that you are too young to love. He tries to keep his daughter and her boyfriend apart but it does not work and when the family travel out of town, the boy follows them. In a brief scene between the boy and the girl’s father, the boy says to the girl’s father that, ‘love is not a feeling, it’s an ability…’
I have no way of knowing who the script writer for this film is, but I know for sure that this is one of the most profound definitions of love that I have heard in this lifetime…
How many of us have the ability to love? To really love someone or themselves unconditionally? I have been musing over this definition for a while and the words keep ringing in my ear. I mean, we’ve all been in a place where we have told someone we love them and when they ask how we know, we affirm by saying, its how we feel. BUT is that really how we know? Through feelings? Emotions!? Or is it because we are able to? Feelings are fleeting and thus cannot be the cornerstone for measuring the meaning or depth of love (I think).
Ability on the other hand simply means the skill or capacity to do something well… Love is the ability to care, to understand, to tolerate, to accept, to protect, to encourage whilst embracing your own and the next person’s inadequacies…
This definition of love strikes a cord with me and I know that I have fallen short of love’s true definition. My goal from now on, is to find that capacity within me to love, in love’s own fashion. When you gain an ability to do something, you will always have it regardless, nothing can take it away. So, if you love someone, you probably will always posses that ability, but like any other skill, it can only be sustained through regular practice.
I am now harnessing the capacity to love myself more, and taking a chance on life, learning to put myself first; that way, I too can love others. I am fortunate to be blessed with so much love in my life but many a time have failed to see it for what it is. I have continued to focus on the past and future as opposed to the now. I have plenty of love right now and I am recieving it with gratitude.
Starting this very minute, I am on an adventure called life, happy and loving it and if I get the chance to sit it out or dance. I will dance! When I acquire the ability to love someone, I will do just that!
I have also realised (as if!) that swimming is a required survival skill after the panic that I felt yesterday when I was immersed in water, life Jacket and all! How hilarious! I have a fear of drowning; maybe I might have died at sea in one of my previous lives. I have now added swimming lessons to my 2010 resolutions; it’s not even an option.
Today, my body hurts, feels like I have been run over by a truck and I still say, it was worth it! Next week am doing the Gorge slide or Bunji jump! Need I say more?? I have faced mortality and realise now, more than ever that, when I get the choice to sit it out or dance. I will dance.
Yesterday, I was watching a film whose title I can’t remember because I caught it off chance and it had already run half way, anyway, it’s a story about young love and a father who believes in the concept that you are too young to love. He tries to keep his daughter and her boyfriend apart but it does not work and when the family travel out of town, the boy follows them. In a brief scene between the boy and the girl’s father, the boy says to the girl’s father that, ‘love is not a feeling, it’s an ability…’
I have no way of knowing who the script writer for this film is, but I know for sure that this is one of the most profound definitions of love that I have heard in this lifetime…
How many of us have the ability to love? To really love someone or themselves unconditionally? I have been musing over this definition for a while and the words keep ringing in my ear. I mean, we’ve all been in a place where we have told someone we love them and when they ask how we know, we affirm by saying, its how we feel. BUT is that really how we know? Through feelings? Emotions!? Or is it because we are able to? Feelings are fleeting and thus cannot be the cornerstone for measuring the meaning or depth of love (I think).
Ability on the other hand simply means the skill or capacity to do something well… Love is the ability to care, to understand, to tolerate, to accept, to protect, to encourage whilst embracing your own and the next person’s inadequacies…
This definition of love strikes a cord with me and I know that I have fallen short of love’s true definition. My goal from now on, is to find that capacity within me to love, in love’s own fashion. When you gain an ability to do something, you will always have it regardless, nothing can take it away. So, if you love someone, you probably will always posses that ability, but like any other skill, it can only be sustained through regular practice.
I am now harnessing the capacity to love myself more, and taking a chance on life, learning to put myself first; that way, I too can love others. I am fortunate to be blessed with so much love in my life but many a time have failed to see it for what it is. I have continued to focus on the past and future as opposed to the now. I have plenty of love right now and I am recieving it with gratitude.
Starting this very minute, I am on an adventure called life, happy and loving it and if I get the chance to sit it out or dance. I will dance! When I acquire the ability to love someone, I will do just that!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Only by Grace...
When I first embarked on my worldly journey, I was fully covered. Floating in my mother’s womb, I had all that I needed for my journey and guess what? I didn’t need to lift a finger; my mother’s body had my back. I had everything I needed…
When I burst forth onto this planet (literally!) and during my formative years, I was totally dependent on my parents more so, on my mother and again, the same ring – my mother had my back, all I had to do was run back if I was happy or sad and all would be well, my parents would fix it for me… What bliss, having someone else who fixes it for you 24/7!
Things changed when I grew into my teens and early adulthood, all of a sudden, my parents didn’t know anything, I knew it all, I mean, what could they possibly know!?? I felt, I knew better than they did and I embarked on a required journey of self discovery and external influences disregarding my parents’ advice , when I got to my mid twenties, it hit me that mother did know best after all…
When we examine the journey of a soul on this earth, its quiet clear that from the start, you are fully equipped for the journey and yes, the creator does know best.
I reflect on the path that has been my life and marvel at the purity of all things that have come to me, I have been blessed simply because I am, this; without my having had to earn any of these blessings that have been showered upon me. This, despite the popular myth that you have to work for it, grace has followed me... and continues to.
For a while, I have been walking around like a radio without an antenna - detached from my radar and with the accompanying chaos! My connection to the mother ship has been scrambled. I have lost focus and concentrated on petty issues like office politics, salaries or the lack, material things (stuff) that all of us will leave behind. Finite resources that oh! Means so much!! Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with owning the finer things in life or making money but it just shouldn’t define you…
India Arie coined it in song, when she said, I am not my car, and I am not my hair… Indeed I too, am not my job, my name, my age, my salary… I am spirit, infinitely woven into the DNA of the universe. I can relax. I am exceptionally blessed.
What to me has been the hardest part of living a spiritual life, has been letting go, trusting and believing that it’s really alright, I can let go and the world will not FALL APART; that my soul has its own destiny and I will get to my appointed place whether I like it or not. My choices are only limited to how long it takes me to get there…But I will get there.
What fascinates me about humanity is that, the different stories of creation and the miracle of life that we witness everyday attest to the fact that, we are fully loved and infinitely cared for and as spirits that walk the earth, there should be no point when we say to the creator, alright dude, we’ll take it from here…
The story of the fall from grace in the bible in my view, represents humanity’s unwillingness to let the creator lead. If we examine all the problems that affect the world, we have devised our own little methods of trying to fix it, truth is, and we can not fix it. We can’t fix something that we did not design, more so that, we are not in possession of the blue prints of that design.
When we purchase something and it fails, we return the product to the manufacturer… we have all seen what happens if we decide to call in a corner mechanic. So, why go through all that drama and pain, when we can just return the product to the warranted manufacturer??
Humanity’s defects can only be healed or set right by the creator and the fascinating part is that; we find the creator exactly where he/she always is, inside of us. When we are challenged or triumphant we only need to look in wards because in there, lie our answers.
“Healing starts when you begin to detach your worth from external influences’
When I burst forth onto this planet (literally!) and during my formative years, I was totally dependent on my parents more so, on my mother and again, the same ring – my mother had my back, all I had to do was run back if I was happy or sad and all would be well, my parents would fix it for me… What bliss, having someone else who fixes it for you 24/7!
Things changed when I grew into my teens and early adulthood, all of a sudden, my parents didn’t know anything, I knew it all, I mean, what could they possibly know!?? I felt, I knew better than they did and I embarked on a required journey of self discovery and external influences disregarding my parents’ advice , when I got to my mid twenties, it hit me that mother did know best after all…
When we examine the journey of a soul on this earth, its quiet clear that from the start, you are fully equipped for the journey and yes, the creator does know best.
I reflect on the path that has been my life and marvel at the purity of all things that have come to me, I have been blessed simply because I am, this; without my having had to earn any of these blessings that have been showered upon me. This, despite the popular myth that you have to work for it, grace has followed me... and continues to.
For a while, I have been walking around like a radio without an antenna - detached from my radar and with the accompanying chaos! My connection to the mother ship has been scrambled. I have lost focus and concentrated on petty issues like office politics, salaries or the lack, material things (stuff) that all of us will leave behind. Finite resources that oh! Means so much!! Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with owning the finer things in life or making money but it just shouldn’t define you…
India Arie coined it in song, when she said, I am not my car, and I am not my hair… Indeed I too, am not my job, my name, my age, my salary… I am spirit, infinitely woven into the DNA of the universe. I can relax. I am exceptionally blessed.
What to me has been the hardest part of living a spiritual life, has been letting go, trusting and believing that it’s really alright, I can let go and the world will not FALL APART; that my soul has its own destiny and I will get to my appointed place whether I like it or not. My choices are only limited to how long it takes me to get there…But I will get there.
What fascinates me about humanity is that, the different stories of creation and the miracle of life that we witness everyday attest to the fact that, we are fully loved and infinitely cared for and as spirits that walk the earth, there should be no point when we say to the creator, alright dude, we’ll take it from here…
The story of the fall from grace in the bible in my view, represents humanity’s unwillingness to let the creator lead. If we examine all the problems that affect the world, we have devised our own little methods of trying to fix it, truth is, and we can not fix it. We can’t fix something that we did not design, more so that, we are not in possession of the blue prints of that design.
When we purchase something and it fails, we return the product to the manufacturer… we have all seen what happens if we decide to call in a corner mechanic. So, why go through all that drama and pain, when we can just return the product to the warranted manufacturer??
Humanity’s defects can only be healed or set right by the creator and the fascinating part is that; we find the creator exactly where he/she always is, inside of us. When we are challenged or triumphant we only need to look in wards because in there, lie our answers.
“Healing starts when you begin to detach your worth from external influences’
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
On The Matrix and Faith...
Faith is not trying to believe something regardless of the evidence. Faith is daring to do something regardless of the consequences.--Sherwood Eddy
The past couple of days, I have had the privilege of staying at home listening to Dr. Dyer and Marianne Williamson from the series "Advancing Your Faith'
What an awesome few days. In between the delirium and fever, I have found my vocation.
I have been trying to practice detachment and it’s been a serious curve! Man! The mystics are awesome, how can they do that!? I mean really? Be detached and concerned at the same time.
Anyhow, I will get there.
Right now, I have a dull headache that wants to turn into my reality but the possibility of finding my own authenticity – my voice, is currently more pressing than this murmer. I shall not be distracted. Despite this minor discomfort, I still marvel at the synchronicity of life.
What suddenly strikes me is just how much my life has been altered during these couple of days that I have sat alone in utter silence... Boy, have I changed!? I can now confidently affirm that the creator's voice is clearest at dawn.
I am not just skivving off work, I haven’t been well, something to do with Malaria, but then again, they say that dis -ease is the body/soul's way of telling you to stop. Stop;
Long enough to let go
Long enough to change
Long enough to listen
Long enough to forgive
Long enough to cry and say am sorry, please forgive me...
Long enough to say I love you...
” It’s the question that drives us” - thus spake the wise Morpheus to a bewildered Neo... in the sci – fi film, The Matrix.
Like Neo, I feel like I have just swallowed the red pill and I want to go back and like Neo, I can not fall back into the dark deep void of nothingness that I once believed to be my reality; a place dominated by fear, poverty, ignorance and disease.
This calls to mind the story of the children of Israel after the parting of the red sea, like the children of Israel, I have wandered the desert, painting pictures of Egypt and cussing Moses (or is it Morpheus?!) for bringing me this far.
(Moses and Morpheus are interchangeably used for my spirit guides who pushed me beyond what I perceived was my limit.)
The desert looms ahead and beyond lies the Promised Land but I cannot behold it because my pain body would rather die than take a leap of faith.
I swallow the red pill and I have faith. I shall tarry no longer for the promised land awaits… mine will not be the forty years that the children of Israel took to “get it.” I get now and with faith as my staff, I know that I am in the Promised Land. All I have to do is reach and drink from the fountains and rivers that flow with milk and honey, it’s my time.
I don't need to re-invent the wheel , the masters that go before me have already shown me the way and like my late mother would affirm through a Bemba proverb “Apatebeta Lesa, tapafuka chushi” So why sweat it?
Like many of the souls that go before me, I too, have, in my quest to find the answer overlooked the most precious and sacred place where I can find it, in me... My faith has been the one shield I have had against fear, like Neo in the Matrix, I am going to be that person who never has to dodge bullets in whatever form. Be it bullets of betrayal, hate, lies etc. I can’t be bothered. I am blessed.
My fascination with sci - fi stems from the knowledge that life is an illusion and you create your own realities based on the level of your faith.
My definition of Faith:
To have faith, it is to believe that you are infinitely ordained and prepared to make the trip that is life's journey.... for every challenge you face, the creator has already given you the tools to overcome, all you need to do is tap in.
Like an astronaut floating around in space - the mother ship has your back.
Faith to me now means, it’s alright Juliet... you can let go.
We all stumble and fall, sometimes, we lose direction in life, it’s a requirement. But the unwavering campus that connects our souls will ensures us safe passage. We are Safe...
Because of this guarantee, am assured that we are infinitely cherished, loved powerful and pure. We each have everything we require for the journey
In the silence of day, I have found my answer to the question of existence, the question that drives me…
The past couple of days, I have had the privilege of staying at home listening to Dr. Dyer and Marianne Williamson from the series "Advancing Your Faith'
What an awesome few days. In between the delirium and fever, I have found my vocation.
I have been trying to practice detachment and it’s been a serious curve! Man! The mystics are awesome, how can they do that!? I mean really? Be detached and concerned at the same time.
Anyhow, I will get there.
Right now, I have a dull headache that wants to turn into my reality but the possibility of finding my own authenticity – my voice, is currently more pressing than this murmer. I shall not be distracted. Despite this minor discomfort, I still marvel at the synchronicity of life.
What suddenly strikes me is just how much my life has been altered during these couple of days that I have sat alone in utter silence... Boy, have I changed!? I can now confidently affirm that the creator's voice is clearest at dawn.
I am not just skivving off work, I haven’t been well, something to do with Malaria, but then again, they say that dis -ease is the body/soul's way of telling you to stop. Stop;
Long enough to let go
Long enough to change
Long enough to listen
Long enough to forgive
Long enough to cry and say am sorry, please forgive me...
Long enough to say I love you...
” It’s the question that drives us” - thus spake the wise Morpheus to a bewildered Neo... in the sci – fi film, The Matrix.
Like Neo, I feel like I have just swallowed the red pill and I want to go back and like Neo, I can not fall back into the dark deep void of nothingness that I once believed to be my reality; a place dominated by fear, poverty, ignorance and disease.
This calls to mind the story of the children of Israel after the parting of the red sea, like the children of Israel, I have wandered the desert, painting pictures of Egypt and cussing Moses (or is it Morpheus?!) for bringing me this far.
(Moses and Morpheus are interchangeably used for my spirit guides who pushed me beyond what I perceived was my limit.)
The desert looms ahead and beyond lies the Promised Land but I cannot behold it because my pain body would rather die than take a leap of faith.
I swallow the red pill and I have faith. I shall tarry no longer for the promised land awaits… mine will not be the forty years that the children of Israel took to “get it.” I get now and with faith as my staff, I know that I am in the Promised Land. All I have to do is reach and drink from the fountains and rivers that flow with milk and honey, it’s my time.
I don't need to re-invent the wheel , the masters that go before me have already shown me the way and like my late mother would affirm through a Bemba proverb “Apatebeta Lesa, tapafuka chushi” So why sweat it?
Like many of the souls that go before me, I too, have, in my quest to find the answer overlooked the most precious and sacred place where I can find it, in me... My faith has been the one shield I have had against fear, like Neo in the Matrix, I am going to be that person who never has to dodge bullets in whatever form. Be it bullets of betrayal, hate, lies etc. I can’t be bothered. I am blessed.
My fascination with sci - fi stems from the knowledge that life is an illusion and you create your own realities based on the level of your faith.
My definition of Faith:
To have faith, it is to believe that you are infinitely ordained and prepared to make the trip that is life's journey.... for every challenge you face, the creator has already given you the tools to overcome, all you need to do is tap in.
Like an astronaut floating around in space - the mother ship has your back.
Faith to me now means, it’s alright Juliet... you can let go.
We all stumble and fall, sometimes, we lose direction in life, it’s a requirement. But the unwavering campus that connects our souls will ensures us safe passage. We are Safe...
Because of this guarantee, am assured that we are infinitely cherished, loved powerful and pure. We each have everything we require for the journey
In the silence of day, I have found my answer to the question of existence, the question that drives me…
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2010 - New Year's Resolutions
Hello my friends,
Its the 3rd of January, 2010 and everything feels pretty much the same to me except that am cashless and have this insane migraine! I say, this to me feels no different from 2009 for me, except that, for the first time in a long time, I actually made some New Year's resolutions.
I spent the 'festive season' without so much as a feast and in hindsight, for me, it really wasn't a 'festive season' although I got to see my friends and gatecrashed a couple of parties. In the end, I did have that party after all, although, it was actually a farewell party for a close friend who's leaving the country this weekend. My friends and I decided to host a 'dutch party' for him on New Year's eve. It was fantastic (I think) and my friends came... at the crack of 2010, a good friend pulled me close and asked me to reflect on 2009 and my list of so called friends, and in that moment, I had my aha moment that birthed my New Year's resolutions for 2010
I once read something that Oprah Winfrey said about doubt, I can't recall the exact words but it was something like, 'If you doubt, don't'. Doubt means, Don't. Don't move. Don't speak.
In other words, Just Be. Give it time. Let it go etc
This year, I will be still and wait for that purpose that the universe has already bestowed unto me...
Piece of advice for 2010 - Be still. Listen, Speak Less...
Happy 2010
Its the 3rd of January, 2010 and everything feels pretty much the same to me except that am cashless and have this insane migraine! I say, this to me feels no different from 2009 for me, except that, for the first time in a long time, I actually made some New Year's resolutions.
I spent the 'festive season' without so much as a feast and in hindsight, for me, it really wasn't a 'festive season' although I got to see my friends and gatecrashed a couple of parties. In the end, I did have that party after all, although, it was actually a farewell party for a close friend who's leaving the country this weekend. My friends and I decided to host a 'dutch party' for him on New Year's eve. It was fantastic (I think) and my friends came... at the crack of 2010, a good friend pulled me close and asked me to reflect on 2009 and my list of so called friends, and in that moment, I had my aha moment that birthed my New Year's resolutions for 2010
- I will develop a spirit of gratitude - always. No matter how hard it is
- I will not be broke from today onwards - sometimes, I might be financially inconvenienced. BROKE is not a word I will USE to describe my financial position again!
- I will choose my friends very carefully but still maintain my faith in the pureness of the Human Spirit but will not tolerate or entertain 'friends' who bail out on me.
- I vow not to let the myopia of other individuals cause me pain. If my heart is not at peace with any relationship, I will END it. There's nothing like, he/she'll change, an arsehole will remain just that, an arse hole...
I once read something that Oprah Winfrey said about doubt, I can't recall the exact words but it was something like, 'If you doubt, don't'. Doubt means, Don't. Don't move. Don't speak.
In other words, Just Be. Give it time. Let it go etc
This year, I will be still and wait for that purpose that the universe has already bestowed unto me...
Piece of advice for 2010 - Be still. Listen, Speak Less...
Happy 2010
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