I just had a conversation with a friend, every time I say goodbye my heart aches. Each time I say hello my eyes sting. What is it about life that makes you want to laugh and cry at the same time? What is it about time that makes you feel so small? So insignificant?
I look up and all I see is a void, a deep dark void that my eyes or my mind's eye can not escape?
If I was feeling rather morbid last week, today I am suicidal, only I do not have the courage to push all my karmic debts to the next life... so I will sit it out and wait, wait on life to bring me the lessons, wait for my soul to teach me how to handle my lessons, forgiveness, expectations, letting go and sorrow.
I feel stuck, I am weepy, I feel useless and hopeless... I don't know where to begin to fix my life. Although I had hoped to change things by now, I have failed dismally. Each time I rest my head on my pillow to sleep, the tears from my dreams awaken me and I get up with the haunted feeling of darkness, what am I to do?
The feelings that haunt me include the question of existence, questions of love, mistakes, choices, joy and sorrow... What is my life worth? What accomplishments have I made? I have a blind spot so huge that it blocks any light that is headed my way.
I am stuck in this moment, stuck on nothingness, stuck on goodbye, stuck on hello. I am immobilised by that surreal and nonexistent emotion - fear.
Today, my day sucks, nothing is able to cheer me up and it seems like I am slowly fading into a deep dark depression that threatens my entire existence. What is life worth? How do I get unstuck?
I am tormented by dreams, by angels who laugh in my face. I have idolised humanity and it feels like I am now learning a lesson on just how human I am. Mortality, how awesome your face.
If I were to live again, my choices would be no different, I guess I'd walk the same path albeit more carefully...
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